May 29, 2013

—FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE—-

Kids’ Turn Board Co-President, Jeffrey Abadie, announced today that after 13 years of dedicated hard work for our organization, Claire Barnes, Executive Director, has decided it is time for her to transition out of her full-time role and to collaborate with the Board to develop an effective Transition Plan on which to build the future of the organization.

As we all know, Claire has been at the helm of our success for the past 13 years. Under her leadership, Kids’ Turn completed The Kids’ Turn Way, leading to our capacity to go global through our collaboration with Relate agency in Great Britain plus through curriculum sales to Australia, Canada and South Africa. In addition, Kids’ Turn joined the world of online technology by launching The Kids’ Turn Way, Online for parents who may not be able to attend our in-person work.

Jeffrey stated:  Claire’s vision to enrich a premiere agency supporting parents and children going through divorce and separation has become reality. Kids’ Turn remains the SOLE provider in the Bay Area of this kind of service. We are grateful to all of Claire’s hard work contributing to these notable accomplishments over the years.

Claire will stay in her position at a reduced schedule as the Transition Plan develops, leading to new leadership to guide the agency.  This will allow her more time with her four year old grand-daughter, Chloe, and seven year old-grandson, Mathew.  She admits they are both growing way too quickly as far as she is concerned.

Claire stated: Kids’ Turn has offered me the opportunity for extraordinary professional accomplishments and personal achievements.  All of these efforts were a result of teamwork in collaboration with the Board, Staff,  Donors, Foundations, volunteers, and most importantly, the parents and children who attend our services.

Kids’ Turn will keep everyone in our network apprised as the Transition Plan develops.  Until then, we look to our steadfast, generous donors to validate our direction and support us as we launch the future of Kids’ Turn.

My husband and I were hanging new window blinds late on a Friday afternoon. Why we picked Friday after work to hang the blinds remains a mystery, but it is accurate to say that the project wasn’t going very well when I suggested, “Should we ask a neighbor to come over and help us?” In typical fashion, my husband nixed the idea and we pressed on. We completed the project likely because our family dog was right under foot lending support.

I am reminded how tough it is to ask for assistance when we need it. Parental separation — when family emotions can be debilitating, frightening and even dangerous — is an example of a situation when help to family members can be a critical element to the success of the transition.

Ours is a “square your shoulders” or “I can handle it” culture. Asking for help can be interpreted as a sign of weakness, complicated by the fact we may feel shame or embarrassment about the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

So here are some ideas which I hope will motivate separating parents and encourage them to find help and support for themselves and their children:

1) We are a species designed to exist with other people; we are not designed to be loners. Throughout history, people have gravitated toward communal activities to survive. In fact, our most cherished celebrations evolved out of people coming together to experience emotion as a group. We celebrate when our teams win trophies; we mourn together at the loss of a respected leader; we honor Thanksgiving with a family gathering. We are made to share emotional ups and downs with others and not tough it out by ourselves.

2) Asking for help is a sign of strength. Knowing when life is overwhelming to the point where help is needed is a very important point of self-awareness. In school, if a math problem was beyond our skill set, we would ask the teacher or a friend for help to solve it. But as we get older, we develop an “I can do it myself” attitude. Like the math problem, some of life’s difficulties are also outside of our skill set to solve alone. Asking for help at these times is a step toward empowerment.

3) People like to help. Helping others has emotional value for the person giving assistance. In fact, helping others can improve a person’s mood. We’ve all seen examples of collective volunteerism after a natural crisis and how pleased all those volunteers are to contribute. If you are struggling with your separation, it’s likely your friends and family know it and are glad to help if you tell them how they can do so. But you have to ask.

4) By asking for help, you demonstrate to your children a healthy way of managing life difficulties. Our children are always watching us and learn their strongest lessons from our behavior — not our words. Teaching your children that there are times in life when virtually everyone needs assistance is a valuable lesson.

Here are the specific tools that are available to separating parents looking for help with their transition:
• In person groups: These are the gold standard because of the benefit of human contact. These groups may be divorce education programs, support groups or private therapy.
• Family and friends: The price is right and they are readily accessible. Importantly, avoid using your children to emotionally support you during separation. They have their own personal needs and challenges and can benefit from supporting resources designed for their age and stage of life
• The internet: The abundance of free online websites and low-cost divorce education programs was unimaginable ten years ago. A word of caution: try to use these online resources as a supplement to human interaction, not a replacement for it
• Chat rooms and blogs can also offer support.
• Books and handbooks: Many can be downloaded inexpensively from websites.

At Kids’ Turn, separating parents who want to attend our programs with their children must call us to initiate workshop registration. We occasionally get a call from a grandparent who wants to inquire on behalf of a separating adult child and the grandchildren. We always answer the grandparent’s questions, but then gently tell them, “your adult son/daughter has to pick up the phone and ask for help.”

By knowing our own weaknesses and seeking out others who compensate for them, life difficulties become a little more manageable.

Parenting is generally evolving as gender-neutral, but the “tender years” assumption — the consensus that infants should be treated differently than older children in custody disputes — lingers, even when all other factors are equal in a separation or divorce.

Co-parenting is rough. Putting your own wants and needs side-by-side with the child’s and yes, the other parent’s too, helps create a mutual willingness to do the right thing. As despair and rage subsides, adult relationships reconstitute from lovers to more business-like, problem-solving platonic parents. It’s possible this way to be devoted and reliable parents, who raise secure well-loved and cared for children.

Here are 5 tips that might help avoid dreaded custody battles, known as the “diaper wars.”

Calm Down: Your distress will be communicated to the child and result in his or her distress. Same holds true with your good attitude and reassuring presence. Ask yourself: What are you unfolding to? By definition we all have blind spots and want to get out of our own way. Where do you see the baby in your arms 10 years from now? What are the obstacles in your path to getting along with your co-parent? You didn’t get to this combustible nightmare alone. Develop a neutral perspective that adequately shares the blame and shame, drama and trauma. People don’t just collide. We get together out of choice.

If substance abuse or mental health is an issue, then by all means start there and work with what you’ve got. Put promises into writing.

Weaning: For those who breast feed: Fathers, be patient. If a toothsome child ever bit your nipple you’d know mothers rarely prolong weaning. Moms, don’t use weaning as a stall tactic when it comes to physical custody. Increasing your time with the child to pad or shrink support orders is also wrong and counterproductive.

Overnights: The joy of being the first and last face a young child sees upon waking or falling asleep is inspiring and bonding. Start with feedings, cleaning, and then proceed with naps. A baby should have a dedicated sleeping area. What’s the policy for having the child in your bed? If needed, this is ideal subject matter for co-parenting sessions.

If a skills brush-up makes sense, push for parenting classes. When parents work with reasonable expectations, chances are that good enough co-parents will result. If you’re still enraged by the unfairness of it all, return to step one.

Overnights, midweek time, sharing weekends and re-scheduling are issues for kids of all ages. For newborns, when is the baby ready to leave the house? Overnights are grown around weekends. How much time is appropriate at each parent’s home is based on roughly three factors: 1) a parent’s track record of consistency with their parenting time; 2) your child’s readiness; and 3) older children’s influence, if present. The basic formula is one overnight for every year in the age of a child. Under age two, expect to split every weekend. From three on, alternate weekends go from Friday to Sunday, expanding to Monday morning by age 4. Mid-week time is another issue — ideally infants and toddlers shouldn’t go more than 2-3 days without seeing either parent, even if it’s for 20 minutes.

For trust in a child to be deeply rooted, each parent needs to step up for full cycles of good times, break-downs and soothing repairs.

Separation Anxiety: Transitional stress in the back-and-forth between parents is normal. A well bonded infant or toddler might take 20 minutes to settle down. Parents, pick-up is an adjustment event and should be prepared with distractions — snacks, drinks, and songs to sing while driving. Even adults need time to transition!

The releasing parent makes leaving easier by narrating what to expect. “Taking a nap? I’ll see you after your little sleep.” Or, before an overnight, “I’ll see you after your big sleep.” “Big eats are breakfast, lunch and dinner. Little eats are snacks in between.” This is a line directly taken from my book intended to decrease the transitional stress between co-parent’s two homes called, The Turtlebirds Shuffle. Not settling down an hour into the exchange? Discuss… civilly!

The new paradigm: True joint physical custody starts earlier in the life of a child nowadays. When no-fault divorce began 40 years ago, 80-90 percent of physical custody was with the mother — a short weekend and an occasional mid-week dinner with father was typical. The new normal of the 1980s was the 70/30 plan with longer weekends, Fridays to Sunday or Monday, and a weekly overnight. In recent years a 60/40 plan has been widely adopted for toddlers. Weekends can start on Thursdays for the 40 percent parent and Monday overnights after the 60 percent parent’s alternate weekend. Sound complicated? It doesn’t have to be.

Along with gender neutrality, co-parents are expected to be self-supporting. Stay-at-home single parents are the exception. Agreements made during the marriage about the division of labor become moot in the divorce. With both parents working outside the home, grandparents, daycare and household staff are expected to pinch hit.

Hostile separations and divorces are harmful and outdated. The new consciousness of mental health, legal, and financial professionals is collaborative, stressing healing over litigation. Test out your co-parenting plans. Be prepared to make modifications along the way. Pull it together, even as you break apart, for your precious child.

Read the announcement in the Sacramento Bee:

http://www.sacbee.com/2013/03/28/5299645/the-national-hispanic-university.html

When I was four years old, our phone rang one evening and a woman on the phone asked for my father.  I was a very late-in-life child – my parents had married after a complicated ten year courtship.  The woman caller identified herself as my father’s daughter – a daughter he walked away from when he divorced her mother several decades before.  And although my mother knew about my father’s flawed life history, she had no knowledge of the existence of this daughter.  When they met, dad told mom, ‘I have no children… that I know of’.

Although my mother was very forgiving of my dad’s human imperfections, I am aware of the role family secrets and lies can play when parents split.  It is very common for lies between adults to be the catalyst for a separation.  How half-truths and untruths can impact the well-being of children is important to consider.

We know parents form the foundation for the first trust relationships children experience.  A cornerstone of the trust relationship is truthful communication, so parents bear the burden and responsibility of setting the standard in families on how this plays out.   Suzie Hayman, UK Agony Aunt columnist and author, How to Have a Happy Family Life, puts it this way:  Never, ever lie to children. If you’re a good liar and succeed in deceiving them, then you’ve put deception at the heart of your family relationship and that always sours it. More often, they will find out. Honesty may be hard – but that’s what parenting is about, managing the hard stuff as well as enjoying the good stuff.

Children naturally ask questions when parents decide to break up.  The context for their questions is grounded in THEIR world and related to their age and stage of development.  Dr. Jesse Boring, author, Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce, offers this perspective:  Kids hate to hear one parent talk badly about the other. So the first line of defense I’d recommend is to avoid topics where, if you’re being honest, you have to say something negative about the child’s other parent. If I had to choose between having a parent lie and having them tell the truth (when telling the truth means trashing the child’s other parent) I’d tell them to lie. It’s just too hurtful to children to hear one parent talk badly about the other.

Suggestion: Keep answers to their delicate questions simple, factual and age appropriate; no need to add a complex narrative about all the problems within the couple.

One of the most risky parental behaviors is for one parent to exaggerate negative information about the other parent.  The whole field of parent alienation has developed based on this conduct, and the fact is it can be very tough to control the urges to demonize the other parent.  When hurt, anger or a sense of betrayal fuels the delivery of information so it stretches the truth, and everyone suffers.   

Suggestion: When tempted to say negative, inflated things about the other parent, remember part of your child’s identity lies with the other parent.   Hurtful exaggerations can also wound the child.

If you are considering lying to your child about divorce circumstances, consider what you are trying to accomplish and the context of your actions.  Do you want to protect your child from feeling hurt or anxious?  Is your motive to make yourself look better or superior to the other parent?  Do you feel good about your actions?  Are you lying to delay pain, harm or suffering?

Suggestion: Confer with someone you trust before deliberately lying to your child.  Consider how you would feel if you were on the receiving end of the story, and make sure you can live with the result if the truth comes out.

And finally, the fact parents are demonstrating behavior their child (of any age) will copy or repeat is a dramatic reason to consider when and if to lie.  By lying to your child… and realizing the child may eventually find out the truth… you demonstrate to your child lying is an okay behavior.  Because children don’t have adult filters to determine when stretching the truth might be necessary, their impulses around lying may be hard to control.

Suggestion: Frequently remind your youngster of any age they will never get in trouble for telling you the truth. Always remember, your behavior (not your words) sends the strongest messages to your children.

Fortunately for me, my family situation turned out okay.  The sister I learned about when I was four, stayed connected to me and in my life until her death in the 1990’s.  But the episode offered a lifelong lesson that lies do not make the truth vanish.

We are excited to announce that we have officially launched The Kids’ Turn Way, Online. Parents now have the following options when registering for a Kids’ Turn Program:

In-Person Workshops:

Our in-person workshops continue to be the gold standard for Bay Area services. Bay Area parents who live or work within our service region (San Francisco, Marin, Alameda, Contra Costa and San Mateo) are still expected to attend our in-person workshops with their children.

When the workshop concludes, the parents will be sent the user link to The Kids’ Turn Way, Online for no charge.

Online Program:

Who can register for the Online Program ($100 fee) instead of attending a workshop in-person?

a. Bay Area parents specifically referred or ordered to the online program.  Users will state the name of the referral source (judge, mediator, therapist, attorney) in the “what is this for” box when paying their fee.

b. Any Bay Area adult who is concerned for children struggling with parental separation may voluntarily register.   Users will state “voluntary participation” in the “what is this for” box when paying their fee.

c. Parents living OUTSIDE of the San Francisco Bay Area will state their zip code in the “what is this for” box when paying their fee.  They will need to check with their local family court to make sure it will accept the graduation certificate as proof of completion of a divorce education program.

Click here to learn more:  http://kidsturn.org/kt/online-program/

Well, it was bound to happen, you are facing Valentine’s Day as a newly separated adult and you don’t quite know what to do with yourself.  The good thing is, you no longer have to stand in front of the display of Valentine cards (which is put up immediately after Christmas) and try to find one expressing how you really feel, like you did last year and the year before. That’s always a sign the relationship is winding down – when you can no longer find a card expressing your true feelings.

It’s amazing how much focus we give to commemorate a celebration created in the Middle Ages at the time of English writer, Geoffrey Chaucer.  Chaucer first mentioned Valentine’s Day in a poem written to celebrate the engagement of two royals who were just fifteen years old.   (http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2012/01/29/the-history-of-valentines-day/).  From a simple beginning, we have a multi-million dollar industry which encourages us to buy cards, candy, flowers, restaurant dinners and red clothing.

Now that you are transitioning to a newly separated life situation, maybe it’s time to rethink the whole Valentine’s Day experience and manage it so it does not manage you.   In reality, it is up to YOU to square your shoulders and find an alternative for the twenty-four hours looming on February 14.  Here are some ideas.

Throw a small, intimate dinner party for adults. Invite only those close friends who know about the changes in your life and have each of them bring their specialty.  You can keep the Valentine theme of red or, like Alice in Wonderland’s UnBirthday, you can make it an Un-Valentine Day celebration.   Be creative and start your own, new tradition.

Go to or rent a movie you have been dying to see, but you might want to avoid those with romantic themes.  The movie options now are terrific as the Oscar race heats up and there must be one on your list you haven’t seen.

If your children are home, plan to do something nice together for a neighbor or elderly person.  According to www.helpguide.org, helping others or volunteering your time and energy protects you against stress and depression when you’re going through challenging times.  Focusing on others helps you avoid feeling sorry for yourself.

Take a long week-end. Since Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year, maybe you want to plan a small get-away or even a staycation at home.   Use the money you save on cards, candy and flowers and obligate it to the mini-vacation.  Exploit this time to write in your journal and memorialize how you are easing through this time of transition.  Meditate and imagine what your life will be like in 2014.  Chart your life course for this year.  Write down your goals in small increments so you can track your achievement.

Turn off and tune out; take a vacation from electronics. You might be pleasantly surprised at the thoughts and ideas you create free from external stimulation.

Celebrate what YOU love. There must be something you love to do that your former partner didn’t appreciate.  Whether it’s watching silent movies, cooking with garlic, watching on-demand  reruns of your favorite television show (Downton Abbey,  Pawn Shop, Absolutely Fabulous) or planning a dream vacation, set aside time on February 14 to do it and validate your own interests.

Make no mistake, getting through these holidays early in a split can be challenging. If you are a newly separated parent, how you conduct yourself in a peaceful way during challenging times will be remembered and modeled by your children. These suggestions may seem common sense and easy, but when your emotions are highly charged and you are upset, using common sense suggestions as an anchor can be a comfort.

It’s a new life, a new you and a new beginning.  Seize it!

Millions of children are affected by their parents’ divorce.  2houses helps split families to communicate and get organized.

There are thousands of services that help singles to find “the one” but what happens when couples with children split apart?  Who is going to help parents organize child custody? Share school and medical information? Keep track of shared expenses?

Direct or phone conversations are not always the most effective way for separated parents to communicate—neither is having the children play the role of messengers.

2houses has developed a web platform to help parents communicate and get organized on all matters related to their children’s custody. Gill Ruidant, Founder of 2houses, has been there. When he got divorced 6 years ago, his ex-partner and he were looking for a go-between to help them commonly manage their son’s education. As they couldn’t find any useful option, Gill decided to bring 2houses to life.

2houses.com is a neutral, easy-to-use interface that removes emotional stress and helps parents to focus on what is most important in their lives—their children. One parent registers on the platform, fills out the preliminary information like the parenting schedule rules and then the co-parent receives a nice invite explaining the advantages of the system. The needed features are there:

• Online custody calendar: One calendar with different views, easy ways to define schedules & recurrent visits, simple ways to request changes, various printing formats and easy synchronization with external calendars or devices.

• Shared expenses: Easy and simple management of expenses and wish lists!

• Journal: A quick and easy way to share information, attach photos or videos to your articles and keep funny quotes in a safe place.

• Albums: Store your family pictures in a secure place.

• Information bank: A shared address book, information bank and a place to store medical information & documention.

• Messaging & Notifications: Email and SMS.

2houses launched at the end of 2011 and has been a final product since June 15, 2012.  There are currently more than 6900 users from all around the world. 2houses is free for everyone for 2 months, giving families the opportunity to test the service.  After this test period, users have 2 options:

- stay on free and have access to the calendar tool only (without SMS and sync)

- pay $13 per month or $130 per year for access to all of 2houses’ services for the whole family (2 parents, children and third parties: grand-parents, etc.)

2houses (www.2houses.com) is a startup that was founded by Gill Ruidant in May 2011. The Belgian-based company is a Graduate of Brussels Founder Institute, and also won First Place at the Spring 2011 Brussels Semester. The Company raised VC capital in November 2012 to hire new talent and support its expansion.

DATELINE: San Francisco, CA

February 1, 2013

Kids’ Turn, the San Francisco Bay Area’s premiere non profit offering services designed to take children out of the middle of family conflict when parents separate, announced today it will honor retiring Judge Patrick Mahoney at its annual fundraiser on May 2, 2013.

Judge Mahoney, former Supervising Judge of San Francisco’s Unified Family Court, was first appointed to the bench in 2000 by former California Governor Gray Davis. Prior to his appointment, he had a stellar career in private practice handling complex civil litigation followed by time in the City Attorney’s office.

Judge Mahoney is an active member of the Kids’ Turn Board of Directors, and he also served on the state Judicial Council’s Juvenile Justice Education Committee.

‘Judge Mahoney is a committed jurist whose interests in the well-being of children impacted by parental separation include his willingness to attend Kids’ Turn workshops to help demystify divorce and separation for youngsters. It is a privilege to honor him’, said Claire Barnes, Kids’ Turn Executive Director.

The May 2, 2013 celebration will be at San Francisco’s premiere nightclub, Ruby Skye. The celebration has a festive, Bollywood theme and will also commemorate Kids’ Turn’s Twenty-Fifth birthday. Tickets are $150 per person, and include a light buffet, open bar, a Live Auction and SURPRISES.

For details, call 415.777.9977

It was with great appreciation we celebrated the launch of Sesame Workshop’s new program, ‘Little Children, Big Challenges: Divorce’ (http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/divorce) in December, 2012.  The national attention given this free online resource for parents, children, families and caregivers offers an opportunity to consider the need for a national conversation about the overwhelming numbers of America’s children negatively impacted when parents separate AND how we as a culture share the resources of proven, effective remedies for those difficulties.

The Need for a National Conversation Kids’ Turn has the privilege to interact with social service colleagues from other countries where programs for separating and divorcing families are conducted on a large scale.  Specifically, Canada, Australia, and most recently, the United Kingdom, all have the benefit of national resources to provide support for separating families.  These services are driven by the goal to remediate the increased risk factors for youngsters when parents separate.  Obligating large scale funding (public or private) for services for reorganizing families demonstrates the understanding that prevention money spent for ‘divorce’ children is much less than remedial dollars spent when the youngsters are older.

Since the 1980’s, well meaning family law professionals, court systems, institutions of higher learning and social services providers in the United States have independently created programs and services in their respective communities.  These pockets of services in California, Missouri, Florida, Ohio, Arizona and other places have two goals in common – to reduce family conflict and to keep children out of the middle of adult problems.

Since the divorce rate has held steady at 50% (higher for second marriages), we now have to include the huge number of similarly-situated children whose parents never marry in this demographic.  Notably, the majority of American children are now born out of wedlock. (Source, Child Trends)  And yet the stand-alone efforts in various communities have not interconnected to create a cohesive, national response to address the problem.

Let’s be honest, parental separation is a social difficulty affecting children in epidemic numbers in our country.  Yet remediation of those problems appears to have an inverse relationship to the rate of occurrence.  As Peter Salem, Executive Director of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (www.afccnet.org ) stated to me recently, ‘this is a prioritization issue.  Our funding systems do not recognize the cost effective value of early intervention for ‘divorce’ children.’

Why is that?  Why don’t we want to talk about the impact of parental separation on children?  Why are national initiatives like MADD, Juvenile Diabetes, Drug Intervention Programs, Childhood Obesity and others given effective attention and the needs of children whose parents separate ignored?  Why are we captivated by celebrities who divorce, yet no celebrity or sports figure has come forward to volunteer as a spokesperson for this societal difficulty?

We need to find the answer to those questions.  I invite and encourage any celebrity or sports personality who experienced parental separation as a child to come forward to help us start a national conversation on this topic.  Call me!  We need your help!

Maximizing the use of effective resources to support separating families is the second topic stimulated by Sesame Workshop.  Children whose parents separate or divorce will fare pretty well if their families participate in treatment options to include quality programs addressing the separation-related difficulties (http://www.familyresource.com/downloads/slp1.pdf) .

As funds for in-person services are dwindling, online divorce education programs are springing up everywhere.  They are cost-effective to offer and convenient to complete.  Importantly, they are responsive to a population of parents who get their information on computers, iPads and Tablets.  More courts are accepting graduation certificates from an online divorce program to meet court-ordered requirements for custody and visitation agreements and high-conflict separations.

Like any other social service or educational program, some of these eLearning courses are better than others.  I have a particular bias toward those developed by professionals with a solid track record in this field over time.  Our Family Wizard (http://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ofw) and Children in Between (http://online.divorce-education.com) are two solid examples.  And Kids’ Turn will launch The Kids’ Turn Way, Online in February of this year (http://kidsturn.org/kt/online-program/).

The aforementioned online services are primarily for parents, but as we begin 2013, the number of internet resources for ‘divorce’ youngsters is growing.  Of course Sesame Workshop’s free program for young children will be the one attracting parents because of the stellar reputation of the production company.  Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce (CoD CoD) developed by Dr. Jesse Boring  (and supported with evidence of success in the pilot at Arizona State University ) will launch this year for teenagers (http://familytransitions-ptw.com/CoDCoD/parents/index.html).

Even when the digital divide is taken into consideration, the positive value of broad availability of these online services cannot be ignored.  Offering quality information for reorganizing families who might not have the financial resources to attend a class or workshop democratizes access and has the potential to broadly improve circumstances for youngsters.

As a country and as a culture we have our work cut out for us.  We have a huge social problem and we also have proven solutions.  To quote Dr. Boring, ‘What a shame we have all these tools and not the resources to utilize them!’

We appreciate a three-and-a-half-year-old fairy-in-training who speaks Dragonfly for getting the discussion going.  Thank you Abby Cadabby.