How to Help Young Children Cope with Divorce

by Cheryl Sindel

Every year over one million American children experience their parents' divorce or separation. While this can be a traumatic event in the life of a child, parents do have the ability to diminish the distress a child suffers and help prevent long-lasting emotional wounds.

 Some people believe that infants and toddlers are not affected by the separation of their parents and that the children will "get over it." While it’s true that children are resilient and able to adjust, children of all ages feel the loss and grieve the change in their family structure. Even pre-verbal infants who do not understand spoken words can sense anger between parents, and a nursing child will notice a mother's distraction if she isn't engaged with her baby while he nurses. Children may respond by withdrawing, regressing, eating poorly, crying excessively, or having tantrums.

Researchers have pinpointed two factors that determine whether children will do well in the long run following their parents' separation: the level of hostility between parents, and the level of parental acceptance and adjustment to the separation. Fortunately, parents do have control over these matters. And, while most separations begin with some level of sadness and worry about the future, as well as anger toward the other parent, almost half of divorced couples eventually describe their relationship as amicable two to three years post-divorce.

Minimizing Hostility and Stress

High-conflict behaviors that have the greatest negative impact on infants and toddlers include verbal abuse and physical aggression between parents, as well as the refusal of parents to communicate with one another about the baby's schedule and current state. They may also include snatching the child away from the other parent. Less extreme behaviors, like loud arguments, also affect children, as they get scared that their parents or they will become hurt.

Parents who are separating can minimize stress on their children by acting cordially and business-like toward each other at transition time and while discussing issues related to their child's behaviors, schedules, activities, etc. Children benefit from hearing their parents talk together about their well-being and about the good things the child is doing. However, parents should not discuss high-charged topics like money, visitation schedules, or other adult issues in front of children. Some co-parents communicate by fax or email until they are able to talk on the phone or face-to-face. They might also use a neutral place like the child's day care or preschool to conduct transitions (one parent drops off while the other parents picks up the child and his belongings at the end of the day) so that parents who don't get along minimize contact with each other.

Children, who often think they caused the separation, need to be told frequently that both parents love them; that they had nothing to do with the separation; and that they will be taken care of. Parents need to remain open to hearing their children's fears and their feelings of grief and anger. They also need to be careful not to say negative things about the other parent. In fact, parents should explicitly give their children permission to love their other parent and make it easy for the children to call, visit, and make pictures for their parents. Provide a photo of the other parent near the children's beds and encourage the other parent to give tape-recorded bedtime stories or songs to the children.

Adjusting to Change and Getting Help

When planning for changes in the family and considering a new living arrangement, parents should consider how easily the child adapts to change and how attached she is to both caregivers. These factors will help parents develop a visitation schedule that best suits an individual child's needs. An easygoing child may have no difficulty adapting to an evenly divided visitation schedule. A more fearful child, who resists change, may need both parents to stay by her side while visiting the other parent's new home for the first few times until she gets used to it. A feisty child, who has difficulty with transitions, will need lots of warning that a change will occur. Other children might need the parent without primary residential custody to visit the child at the child’s primary house until the child has adjusted to the changes. These factors will help parents develop an appropriate visitation schedule and assist the child in transitioning from one home to another.

Parents who have a difficult time coping with the loss of their marriage should seek counseling or other support to help grieve. Parenting classes, workshops such as those offered by Kids' Turn, or counseling can help them cope while learning how to reduce hostile interaction with their children's other parent. Parents who communicate openly and frequently with one another will be better equipped to address any concerns they have about how the baby is doing when she is with the other parent.

Kids' Turn, a Bay Area nonprofit that helps separated and divorced families, has unveiled a six-week educational program called "The Early Years" for parents who are facing separation or divorce with young children age 0–3 years. The program aims to prevent trauma to the children by helping parents understand their children's temperament and responses to the separation. Parents also learn ways to effectively parent their child during the family reorganization. Additional six-week workshops are available throughout the Bay Area for children age 4–17 and their parents. Fees for all workshops are based on a sliding scale. For more information, call Kids' Turn at either 415-437-0700 or 1-800-392-9239. Or visit www.kidsturn.org. Remember, parents can significantly help their children to become well-adjusted and resilient following divorce.